Thoughts & Guidance

Accumulative Grief by Sue Ellson - A poem about multiple losses

Fri, 05 Sep 2025 05:36:32 GMT

Another grief

Another time

Covering my heart

With murky grime

Each little loss
Bruises my soul

Each little lament

Takes its toll

Over the years

I have overcome

Then one day

I came undone

The constant grief

The lingering pain

The hurt I feel

All comes again

Why me, why now

What did I do

How can I heal

And emerge anew

Built for survival

But tired of the fight

Curiously craving

A grateful light

A reason, a meaning

Cognition complete

Release the burden

Of every defeat

Forged by emotion

And longing for relief

My grief and loss

A tiresome sheath

Designed to protect

My broken heart

Perhaps its goal

To make me fall apart

For in the surrender

I will seek my truth

To truly be human

Beyond my youth

I’ll grow and bloom

In my own way

Just be my witness

And I’ll be okay

Make time to listen
As I reflect and review

My words and actions

Will help me move

Through the challenge

Of what I miss

My new steps forward

In gratitude and bliss

I spent time speaking to Sue Ellson (a talented author and poet) about grief and loss. We spoke about the circumstances of ambiguous loss, where the are no social or religious rituals attached to unresolved grief caused by someone missing physically (e.g. estrangement or divorce) or psychologically (e.g. dementia or addiction) and how significant losses such as these, can add to the burden of grief and loss caused by other events in our lives, which accumulate over time.

This poem and others by Sue can be found at this website https://sueellson.com/blog/accumulated-grief-poem/

Complete Guide to Grief Counselling

Mon, 14 Jul 2025 04:12:38 GMT

Grief can feel like an overwhelming wave, crashing over us and leaving us gasping for breath. In times of heartache, we often struggle to find direction, yearning for solace amid the shock and confusion. In this article, we explore the intricacies of grief, from the raw emotions that accompany it to the healing power of counselling and community. Whether you are navigating your own sorrow or supporting a loved one through their darkest days, this guide provides practical tools and insights to foster resilience and hope. Together, we will uncover the profound strength that emerges from vulnerability and learn how grief counselling can transform heartache into a pathway for healing. Embrace this journey and discover how to honour your feelings while slowly reclaiming joy in life amidst loss.

Understanding Grief: The Emotional Response

Grief is an inevitable part of the human experience, a profound emotional response to loss that can encompass a wide range of feelings. It can strike suddenly, leaving us reeling from the shock, or it can seep in gradually, as the reality of our loss slowly settles in. The emotions associated with grief are often complex and multifaceted, including sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, and sometimes even relief. These feelings can fluctuate unpredictably, making the process of grieving seem chaotic and unmanageable.

One of the most challenging aspects of grief is its deeply personal nature. No two people grieve in the same way, and the intensity and duration of grief can vary greatly from one individual to another due to the circumstances and type of loss being experienced. Some may find themselves consumed by sorrow, unable to focus on anything else, while others might experience a quiet, persistent ache. It's important to acknowledge that all these responses are valid and that there is no "right" way to grieve. Understanding this can help us be more compassionate with ourselves and others as we navigate this difficult journey.

Moreover, grief is not limited to the loss of a loved one; it can also be triggered by other significant life changes, such as the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or the decline of one's health. Recognising the wide range of experiences that can elicit grief allows us to better empathise with those around us and to seek support when we need it. By understanding the emotional landscape of grief, we can begin to find our way through the darkness and towards healing.

The Importance of Grief Counselling

Grief counselling plays a crucial role in helping individuals process their emotions and find a path forward after a loss. While friends and family can provide invaluable support, a professional counsellor offers a safe and structured environment where individuals can explore their feelings without fear of judgment. Counsellors are trained to help clients navigate the complexities of grief, providing tools and techniques to cope with the intense emotions that arise.

One of the key benefits of grief counselling is the opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of one's own grief experience. Counsellors can help individuals identify and articulate their emotions, which can be a significant step towards healing. By discussing their experiences in a supportive setting, clients can begin to make sense of their loss or losses and find meaning in their pain. This process of self-discovery and reflection can be incredibly empowering, helping individuals regain a sense of control over their lives.

Furthermore, grief counselling can help individuals develop practical coping strategies to manage their day-to-day lives. This might include learning relaxation techniques to reduce anxiety, creating a routine to provide structure, or finding healthy outlets for expressing emotions. The guidance and support offered by a grief counsellor can make a profound difference in one's ability to navigate the challenges of grief and move towards a place of acceptance and hope.

Common Myths About Grief

There are many misconceptions about grief that can hinder the healing process and prevent individuals from seeking the help they need. One common myth is that grief occurs in five distinct stages that everyone must go through. The five stages of grief described by Kübler-Ross and Kessler (2014) are actually coping mechanisms or processes that assist with surviving a loss. While the concept of stages can be helpful for some, it is important to recognise that grief is not linear nor a one-size-fits-all experience. Each person's journey through grief is unique, and it may not fit neatly into any prescribed framework.

Another prevalent myth is the idea that there is a set timeline for grieving. Society often places pressure on individuals to "move on" or "get over" their loss within a certain period. (Read our article on pet loss to learn more on this topic). Grief has no expiration date, and it is perfectly normal for feelings of sadness and longing to resurface even years after a loss. Accepting that grief is a lifelong process can help individuals be more patient with themselves and others as they navigate their emotions.

Additionally, there is a misconception that grief should be kept private and that expressing emotions openly is a sign of weakness. Sharing one's feelings and seeking support is a crucial part of the healing process. Bottling up emotions can lead to increased stress and mental health issues, while talking about one's experiences can provide relief and foster connection with others who understand. Dispelling these myths about grief can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for those who are grieving.

How to Choose the Right Grief Counsellor

Selecting the right grief counsellor is a critical step in the healing process, as the therapeutic relationship plays a significant role in the effectiveness of counselling. The first consideration should be the counsellor's qualifications and experience. Look for a registered professional with ACA or PACFA who has specialised training in grief counselling or a related field. It can also be very helpful to seek out a counsellor who has lived experience of grief and loss and/or experience working with the specific type of loss you are experiencing, whether it be the death of a loved one, divorce, or another significant life change.

Personal compatibility is another important factor to consider when choosing a grief counsellor. The therapeutic relationship is built on trust and rapport, so it is essential to find a counsellor with whom you feel comfortable and understood. Initial consultations or interviews can be a good opportunity to gauge whether a counsellor's style and personality are a good fit for you. Don't be afraid to ask questions about their approach and how they plan to support you in your grief journey.

Finally, practical considerations such as location, availability, and cost should also be taken into account. Finding a counsellor who is accessible and affordable can reduce additional stress and make it easier to commit to regular sessions. Whilst counsellors in Australia cannot provide Medicare rebates to clients, the cost of a one-hour counselling session is typically similar or less than the rebate received from Medicare after seeing a psychologist. Clients also do not need to visit a GP to obtain a referral to a counsellor and counsellors have shorter waiting lists. Ultimately, the right grief counsellor is one who meets your needs and provides a safe, supportive space for healing.

The Role of Support Groups in Healing Grief

Support groups can be an invaluable resource for individuals navigating the complexities of grief. These groups provide a sense of community and connection, allowing participants to share their experiences with others who understand what they are going through. This sense of belonging can be incredibly comforting, especially for those who feel isolated or misunderstood by those around them.

One of the primary benefits of support groups is the opportunity to hear different perspectives on grief and loss. Listening to others' stories can provide new insights and coping strategies, as well as reassurance that you are not alone in your feelings. Support groups often foster a sense of hope and resilience, as members witness each other's progress and healing over time. This collective support can be a powerful motivator in one's own grief journey.

Additionally, support groups offer a structured environment where individuals can express their emotions and receive validation from others. Facilitated by trained professionals, these groups provide a safe space for open and honest discussions about grief. This can help participants process their emotions more effectively and reduce feelings of sadness and loneliness. By participating in a support group, individuals can find strength in numbers and gain the support they need to move forward (see out FAQ’s to find out more about our Group Support).

Coping Strategies for Dealing with Grief

Coping with grief requires a multifaceted approach, as the emotional and physical toll of loss can be overwhelming. One effective strategy is to establish a routine, which can provide a sense of stability and normalcy amidst the chaos of grief. Simple daily activities, such as exercise, meal planning, and maintaining a regular sleep schedule, can help ground you and create a sense of order in your life.

Another important aspect of coping with grief is finding healthy ways to express your emotions. This might include writing in a journal, engaging in creative activities like painting or music, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions can prevent them from building up and leading to more severe mental health issues. It's essential to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way feels right for you.

Self-care is also a crucial component of coping with grief. This involves taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Simple practices like eating nutritious meals, getting regular exercise, and practicing mindfulness or meditation can have a significant impact on your overall health. Additionally, engaging in activities that bring you joy and comfort, such as spending time in nature or pursuing a hobby, can provide a much-needed respite from the intensity of grief. By incorporating these coping strategies into your daily life, you can create a foundation for healing and resilience.

The Impact of Grief on Mental Health

Grief can have a profound impact on mental health, often exacerbating or triggering conditions such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The intense emotions associated with grief, including sadness, anger, and guilt, can be overwhelming and difficult to manage. For some individuals, these feelings can lead to a persistent state of despair and hopelessness, significantly affecting their ability to function in daily life.

Anxiety is another common mental health issue that can arise during the grieving process. The uncertainty and fear of facing a future without a loved one can create a heightened sense of anxiety, making it difficult to focus or perform everyday tasks. Physical symptoms, such as restlessness, fatigue, and difficulty sleeping, often accompany this heightened anxiety, further impacting one's overall well-being.

In some cases, grief can lead to more severe mental health conditions, such as complicated grief or PTSD. Complicated grief is characterised by an intense and prolonged period of mourning that interferes with an individual's ability to move forward. PTSD can develop in response to a traumatic loss, resulting in flashbacks, nightmares, and severe emotional distress. It is crucial for individuals experiencing prolonged grief symptoms to seek professional help, as early intervention can significantly improve outcomes. By addressing the mental health impacts of grief, individuals can better navigate their emotions and work towards healing.

Moving Forward: Finding Hope After Loss

Moving forward after a significant loss is a deeply personal and often challenging journey. It involves finding a way to live with the pain of grief while also embracing the possibility of joy and fulfilment. One of the first steps in this process is to acknowledge and accept the reality of the loss. This can be incredibly difficult, but it is a crucial part of healing. By allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions, you can begin to integrate the loss into your life and find a new sense of normalcy.

Finding hope after loss often involves creating new meaning and purpose in your life. This might include honoring the memory of your loved one through rituals or activities that celebrate their life and legacy. It could also involve pursuing new interests or goals that bring you a sense of accomplishment and joy. Engaging in activities that align with your values and passions can help you reconnect with yourself and the world around you.

Finally, it is important to cultivate a support system of friends, family, and professionals who can provide encouragement and guidance as you move forward. Surrounding yourself with people who understand and validate your feelings can make a significant difference in your healing process. Remember that finding hope after loss is not about forgetting or moving on from your loved one, but rather about integrating the experience of grief into your life in a way that allows you to continue growing and thriving. By embracing this journey, you can discover newfound strength and resilience and ultimately reclaim a sense of joy and purpose in your life.

Reference

E. Kübler-Ross & D. Kessler. (2014). On Grief and Grieving. Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss.

How grief changes your nervous system

Wed, 04 Jun 2025 23:23:52 GMT

When we get news of the death of a loved one, our emotional and physical state can go from one of calm to sudden extreme stress, including a range of emotions such as shock, fear, sadness and anger. This response is caused by the different parts of our autonomic nervous system (ANS).

The sympathetic, parasympathetic, and vagal nerve are key parts of the ANS, which controls involuntary functions in your body. Here's a breakdown of how they work together:

1. Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) – "Fight or Flight”

The SNS is like your body's "gas pedal." It gets activated when you're stressed, fearful, or in danger.
It prepares your body to respond to a challenge by increasing heart rate, dilating pupils, slowing down digestion, and redirecting blood flow to muscles for quick action.
Essentially, it's the system that gets you ready to run away from danger or deal with a stressful situation.

2. Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) – "Rest and Digest"

The PNS is like your body's "brake." It works to calm things down after the SNS has done its job.
It slows the heart rate, promotes digestion, and helps with rest, recovery, and overall energy conservation.
It's the system that helps you relax and recover, bringing you back to a balanced, calm state after a stressful event.

3. Vagus Nerve – "The Bridge Between Both"

The vagus nerve is a crucial part of the parasympathetic system and acts like a communicator between your brain and organs. It is the longest nerve in the body and travels from the brainstem down to the abdomen.
It helps control heart rate, regulates digestion, and reduces inflammation.
It’s particularly important for calming your body down after stress, essentially counteracting the effects of the sympathetic system.

The vagus nerve has two states:

The ventral vagus state is the calm connected state that supports social engagement and feelings of safety.
The dorsal vagal state responds to threats or danger and can result in a state of freeze or shutdown.

How They Work Together:

When you're stressed due to a loss (SNS activation), your heart rate increases, muscles tense up, and digestion slows. The amygdala (which is the centre for emotions in the brain) is fully activated. You are in a heightened emotional state, which is why you may feel periods of great panic or feel unable to eat. But once the stress eases, the parasympathetic system (especially the vagus nerve) activates to calm everything down.
The vagus nerve helps reset your body’s balance, ensuring you don’t stay in "fight or flight" mode for too long.

Activities to restore a sense of calm

When grief is impacting your ability to perform day to day tasks, attempt to identify what state you are in and try some of these activities to stimulate the vagus nerve to help restore a sense of calmness and safety.

1. Deep, Slow Breathing

Why it works: Long, slow exhales signal safety to your brain and activate the vagus nerve.

Inhale for 4 seconds
Hold for 4 seconds
Exhale for 4 seconds
Hold for 4 hold for
Repeat for a few minutes.

Or inhale for 4 seconds and exhale for 6 to 8. seconds. By exhaling for longer, the vagus nerve releases a neurotransmitter from the brain called acetylcholine which acts on the receptors in the heart, signalling the heart to slow down. It also has a broader calming effect on the nervous system.

2. Humming, Singing, or Chanting

Why it works: The vagus nerve connects to your vocal cords and throat. The vibrations from the vocal cords activate the vagus nerve and induces a state of calm.

Hum your favourite tune (or "om" like in yoga)
Sing out loud in the car or shower
Chanting or even reading aloud, counts too

3. Gargling

Why it works: It stimulates muscles in the back of your throat that the vagus nerve controls.

Gargle with water for 15-20 seconds for 5 minutes a few times a day — go deep and loud if you can!

4. Social Connection

Why it works: Safe, warm interactions help activate the vagus nerve and calm the nervous system.

Do some exercise with a friend
Chat to someone on the phone
Cuddle or hug someone you trust
Join a Counselling4Loss support group

The unspoken pain: Why parents choose silence in grief.

Wed, 04 Jun 2025 23:00:55 GMT

Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. In the aftermath, words often feel powerless, and comfort can seem out of reach. For many parents, navigating life after such a loss is deeply challenging—especially when it involves not only managing their own grief but also making space for their partner’s emotions.

Research indicates that there’s often a wide range of ways parents communicate (or don’t) about their child and the grief they carry (Rosenblatt 2000, cited in Hooghe et al., 2018).

In a study by Hooghe, Rosenblatt, and Rober (2018), parents who had lost a child to cancer spoke about how essential it was to keep their child’s memory alive while also grappling with the complicated emotions that come with sharing grief.

Sometimes, the weight of sorrow is simply too heavy to put into words. The study highlighted four common meanings behind a parent's choice not to talk about their grief:

Talking feels pointless – Words can feel inadequate when nothing can change the painful reality, and speaking may not ease the hurt.

Silence can offer a kind of protection – Avoiding conversation can help create a little distance from the pain. It’s a way to function day-to-day, to regulate overwhelming emotions, and to avoid placing additional emotional strain on each other.

Grief is deeply personal – Sometimes, grieving is something a parent feels they need to do privately. They may need solitude to connect with their child’s memory in their own way, on their own time.

Timing matters – Though both parents share the same heartbreaking loss, they may experience and express it in different ways and at different times. In some cases, not talking can be an act of love and respect—an effort not to cause more hurt by bringing up painful memories at the wrong moment.

When parents are out of sync in how they grieve or communicate, it can be easy to misinterpret silence or emotional distance. But confronting this head-on isn't always helpful. Counselling can offer a gentle and supportive space for couples to explore what speaking or not speaking means to each of them. It can also help partners better understand each other’s unique grieving styles.

Grief doesn’t follow a script, and every parent’s journey is different. But in learning to respect and gently navigate these differences, couples can find new ways to support each other—just as they continue to carry the memory of their child forward, together.

Reference

Hooghe, A., Rosenblatt, P.C. & Rober, P. (2018). “We hardly ever talk about it”: Emotional responsive attunement in couples after a child’s death. Family Process, 57(1), 226-240.

Cordaro, M. (2012). Pet loss and disenfranchised grief: Implications for mental health counselling practice. Journal of Mental Health Counselling, 34(4), 283-294.

References

Understanding pet grief: Navigating unspoken sorrows.

Tue, 27 May 2025 01:09:53 GMT

Losing a beloved pet can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences a person can go through. Whether the loss is sudden—perhaps from an accident—or comes after a long illness or the slow effects of ageing, it can bring with it a deep emotional

pain. When a pet's health declines over time, there are often incredibly tough decisions to make. Questions about treatments, quality of life, and knowing when it’s time to say goodbye can weigh heavily on your heart.

The bond we share with our pets is powerful. They’re our companions, our comfort, and often feel like part of the family. Research has long shown the mental and emotional benefits of having a pet—but sadly, grief after pet loss isn’t always

acknowledged in the same way as other kinds of grief. Many people feel hesitant or even embarrassed to talk about how deeply they’re hurting, especially if others don't understand.

In many workplaces, for example, there is often little or no recognition of pet loss. People are often expected to just carry on, using personal leave or returning to work as if nothing has happened. This lack of support can leave grieving pet owners feeling isolated and dismissed.

When grief isn’t recognised or validated by others, it’s known as disenfranchised grief (Cordaro, 2012). Unfortunately, this can be common after losing a pet. There’s often subtle pressure to “get over it” quickly or to adopt a new pet right away—as if the deep connection and love you shared can simply be replaced. Anyone who has loved and lost a pet knows that grief doesn’t work like that.

The intensity of grief depends on your relationship with your pet and the circumstances around their passing. Some people feel immense sorrow and even guilt, especially if they had to make the painful decision to euthanise. Others may experience overwhelming loss and sadness when their pet was like a child or sibling within the family. The feelings associated with the loss of a pet are real—and they matter.

If you’re grieving the loss of a pet, know that you are not alone. Joining a support group with others who understand this unique kind of loss can be a powerful step toward healing. Talking with others who have walked a similar path can help validate your experience and remind you that your grief is valid, no matter what others may say.

Counselling4Loss offers group support specifically for those experiencing pet loss. If you’d like a safe and compassionate space to mourn and remember, we encourage you to reach out.

References

Cordaro, M. (2012). Pet loss and disenfranchised grief: Implications for mental health counselling practice. Journal of Mental Health Counselling, 34(4), 283-294.

From caregiving to farewell: Emotional journeys with ageing or dying parents.

Fri, 23 May 2025 07:09:54 GMT

Caring for someone who is ageing or nearing the end of life can be one of the most profound and challenging experiences a person goes through. While it’s an act of deep love and dedication, it can also take a heavy emotional toll on family

caregivers. Research shows that when someone experiences intense grief before a loss, they may also feel it more strongly afterward (Breen et al., 2020). That’s why it’s so important to acknowledge these feelings early and seek support.

Many caregivers focus entirely on the needs of their loved one and put their own wellbeing on hold. It’s completely understandable—but it can mean missing the chance to process emotions and prepare for what’s ahead. When grief is pushed aside, it can show up later as anxiety, depression, or prolonged grief (Meischner et al., 2016). Getting professional support before a loss doesn’t mean you’re not coping —it’s a way to care for yourself and make space for healing, now and later.

Caring for a loved one through their final chapter can leave family members feeling especially vulnerable after the loss. One study (Breen et al., 2020) found that caregiving impacts more than just emotions—it can affect physical health and overall

quality of life, and it can take close to a year to truly begin adjusting after a loss. This is why ongoing support for caregivers—before, during, and after loss—is so important. Group bereavement support can offer a sense of community, social

connection (Maass et al., 2019) and shared understanding. It helps to know you are not the only one walking this path.

Sometimes grief begins long before someone is gone. If your loved one is living with dementia, a terminal illness, or the changes that come with ageing, you may already be grieving the relationship as it once was. This kind of sorrow is called anticipatory grief—and when others don’t recognise or acknowledge it, it can feel isolating. This is known as disenfranchised grief, and it’s very real.

Joining a support group with others who understand what you are going through can be a powerful step. It helps normalize your experience, brings a sense of validation, and reminds you that your grief matters. If you are looking for that kind of space, we invite you to connect with Counselling4Loss . You’ll find community, acknowledgment, and compassionate support—both now and in the time ahead.

References

Breen, L.J., Aoun, S.M., O’Connor, M., Johnson, A.R. & Howting, D. (2020) . Effect of caregiving at end of life on grief, quality of life and general health: A prospective, longitudinal, comparative study. Palliative Medicine, 34(1), 145-154.

Maass, U., Hofmann, L., Perlinger, J., & Wagner, B. (2022) . Effects of bereavement groups – a systematic review and meta-analysis. Death Studies, 46(3), 708–718.

Meischner, F., Schinkothe, D. & Wilz, G. (2016). The Caregiver Grief Scale: Development, exploratory and confirmatory factor analysis and validation. Clinical Gerontologist, 39(4), 1-20.