When we get news of the death of a loved one, our emotional and physical state can go from one of calm to sudden extreme stress, including a range of emotions such as shock, fear, sadness and anger. This response is caused by the different parts of our autonomic nervous system (ANS). The sympathetic, parasympathetic, and vagal nerve are key parts of the ANS, which controls involuntary functions in your body. Here's a breakdown of how they work together: 1. Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) – "Fight or Flight” The SNS is like your body's "gas pedal." It gets activated when you're stressed, fearful, or in danger. It prepares your body to respond to a challenge by increasing heart rate, dilating pupils, slowing down digestion, and redirecting blood flow to muscles for quick action. Essentially, it's the system that gets you ready to run away from danger or deal with a stressful situation. 2. Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) – "Rest and Digest" The PNS is like your body's "brake." It works to calm things down after the SNS has done its job. It slows the heart rate, promotes digestion, and helps with rest, recovery, and overall energy conservation. It's the system that helps you relax and recover, bringing you back to a balanced, calm state after a stressful event. 3. Vagus Nerve – "The Bridge Between Both" The vagus nerve is a crucial part of the parasympathetic system and acts like a communicator between your brain and organs. It is the longest nerve in the body and travels from the brainstem down to the abdomen. It helps control heart rate, regulates digestion, and reduces inflammation. It’s particularly important for calming your body down after stress, essentially counteracting the effects of the sympathetic system. The vagus nerve has two states: The ventral (front) vagus state is the calm connected state that supports social engagement and feelings of safety. The dorsal (back) vagal state responds to life threatening situations or danger and can result in a state of freeze or shutdown. How They Work Together: When you're stressed due to a loss (SNS activation), your heart rate increases, muscles tense up, and digestion slows. But once the stress eases, the parasympathetic system (especially the vagus nerve) activates to calm everything down. The vagus nerve helps reset your body’s balance, ensuring you don’t stay in "fight or flight" mode for too long. Activities to restore a sense of calm When grief is impacting your ability to perform day to day tasks, attempt to identify what state you are in and try some of these activities to stimulate the vagus nerve to help restore a sense of calmness and safety. 1. Deep, Slow Breathing Why it works: Long, slow exhales signal safety to your brain and activate the vagus nerve. Inhale for 4 seconds Hold for 4 Exhale for 4 Hold for 4 Repeat for a few minutes. Or just keep your exhale longer than your inhale (e.g., inhale 4, exhale 6–8). 2. Humming, Singing, or Chanting Why it works: The vagus nerve connects to your vocal cords and throat. Hum your favourite tune (or "om" like in yoga) Sing out loud in the car or shower Chanting or even reading aloud counts too 3. Gargling Why it works: It stimulates muscles in the back of your throat that the vagus nerve controls. Gargle with water a few times a day — go deep and loud if you can! 4. Social Connection Why it works: Safe, warm interactions help activate the vagus nerve and calm the nervous system. Do some exercise with a friend Chat to someone on the phone Cuddle or hug someone you trust Join a Counselling4Loss support group
Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. In the aftermath, words often feel powerless, and comfort can seem out of reach. For many parents, navigating life after such a loss is deeply challenging—especially when it involves not only managing their own grief but also making space for their partner’s emotions. Research indicates that there’s often a wide range of ways parents communicate (or don’t) about their child and the grief they carry (Rosenblatt 2000, cited in Hooge et al., 2018). In a study by Hooge, Rosenblatt, and Rober (2018), parents who had lost a child to cancer spoke about how essential it was to keep their child’s memory alive while also grappling with the complicated emotions that come with sharing grief. Sometimes, the weight of sorrow is simply too heavy to put into words. The study highlighted four common meanings behind a parent's choice not to talk about their grief: Talking feels pointless – Words can feel inadequate when nothing can change the painful reality, and speaking may not ease the hurt. Silence can offer a kind of protection – Avoiding conversation can help create a little distance from the pain. It’s a way to function day-to-day, to regulate overwhelming emotions, and to avoid placing additional emotional strain on each other. Grief is deeply personal – Sometimes, grieving is something a parent feels they need to do privately. They may need solitude to connect with their child’s memory in their own way, on their own time. Timing matters – Though both parents share the same heartbreaking loss, they may experience and express it in different ways and at different times. In some cases, not talking can be an act of love and respect—an effort not to cause more hurt by bringing up painful memories at the wrong moment. When parents are out of sync in how they grieve or communicate, it can be easy to misinterpret silence or emotional distance. But confronting this head-on isn't always helpful. Counselling can offer a gentle and supportive space for couples to explore what speaking or not speaking means to each of them. It can also help partners better understand each other’s unique grieving styles. Grief doesn’t follow a script, and every parent’s journey is different. But in learning to respect and gently navigate these differences, couples can find new ways to support each other—just as they continue to carry the memory of their child forward, together. Reference Hooge, A., Rosenblatt, P.C. & Rober, P. (2018). “We hardly ever talk about it”: Emotional responsive attunement in couples after a child’s death. Family Process, 57(1), 226-240.
Losing a beloved pet can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences a person can go through. Whether the loss is sudden—perhaps from an accident—or comes after a long illness or the slow effects of ageing, it can bring with it a deep emotional pain. When a pet's health declines over time, there are often incredibly tough decisions to make. Questions about treatments, quality of life, and knowing when it’s time to say goodbye can weigh heavily on your heart. The bond we share with our pets is powerful. They’re our companions, our comfort, and often feel like part of the family. Research has long shown the mental and emotional benefits of having a pet—but sadly, grief after pet loss isn’t always acknowledged in the same way as other kinds of grief. Many people feel hesitant or even embarrassed to talk about how deeply they’re hurting, especially if others don't understand. In many workplaces, for example, there is often little or no recognition of pet loss. People are often expected to just carry on, using personal leave or returning to work as if nothing has happened. This lack of support can leave grieving pet owners feeling isolated and dismissed. When grief isn’t recognised or validated by others, it’s known as disenfranchised grief (Cordaro, 2012). Unfortunately, this can be common after losing a pet. There’s often subtle pressure to “get over it” quickly or to adopt a new pet right away—as if the deep connection and love you shared can simply be replaced. Anyone who has loved and lost a pet knows that grief doesn’t work like that. The intensity of grief depends on your relationship with your pet and the circumstances around their passing. Some people feel immense sorrow and even guilt, especially if they had to make the painful decision to euthanise. Others may experience overwhelming loss and sadness when their pet was like a child or sibling within the family. The feelings associated with the loss of a pet are real—and they matter. If you’re grieving the loss of a pet, know that you are not alone. Joining a support group with others who understand this unique kind of loss can be a powerful step toward healing. Talking with others who have walked a similar path can help validate your experience and remind you that your grief is valid, no matter what others may say. Counselling4Loss offers group support specifically for those grieving a beloved pet. If you’d like a safe and compassionate space to mourn and remember, we encourage you to reach out.
