When we get news of the death of a loved one, our emotional and physical state can go from one of calm to sudden extreme stress, including a range of emotions such as shock, fear, sadness and anger. This response is caused by the different parts of our autonomic nervous system (ANS). The sympathetic, parasympathetic, and vagal nerve are key parts of the ANS, which controls involuntary functions in your body. Here's a breakdown of how they work together: 1. Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) – "Fight or Flight” The SNS is like your body's "gas pedal." It gets activated when you're stressed, fearful, or in danger. It prepares your body to respond to a challenge by increasing heart rate, dilating pupils, slowing down digestion, and redirecting blood flow to muscles for quick action. Essentially, it's the system that gets you ready to run away from danger or deal with a stressful situation. 2. Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) – "Rest and Digest" The PNS is like your body's "brake." It works to calm things down after the SNS has done its job. It slows the heart rate, promotes digestion, and helps with rest, recovery, and overall energy conservation. It's the system that helps you relax and recover, bringing you back to a balanced, calm state after a stressful event. 3. Vagus Nerve – "The Bridge Between Both" The vagus nerve is a crucial part of the parasympathetic system and acts like a communicator between your brain and organs. It is the longest nerve in the body and travels from the brainstem down to the abdomen. It helps control heart rate, regulates digestion, and reduces inflammation. It’s particularly important for calming your body down after stress, essentially counteracting the effects of the sympathetic system. The vagus nerve has two states: The ventral (front) vagus state is the calm connected state that supports social engagement and feelings of safety. The dorsal (back) vagal state responds to life threatening situations or danger and can result in a state of freeze or shutdown. How They Work Together: When you're stressed due to a loss (SNS activation), your heart rate increases, muscles tense up, and digestion slows. But once the stress eases, the parasympathetic system (especially the vagus nerve) activates to calm everything down. The vagus nerve helps reset your body’s balance, ensuring you don’t stay in "fight or flight" mode for too long. Activities to restore a sense of calm When grief is impacting your ability to perform day to day tasks, attempt to identify what state you are in and try some of these activities to stimulate the vagus nerve to help restore a sense of calmness and safety. 1. Deep, Slow Breathing Why it works: Long, slow exhales signal safety to your brain and activate the vagus nerve. Inhale for 4 seconds Hold for 4 Exhale for 4 Hold for 4 Repeat for a few minutes. Or just keep your exhale longer than your inhale (e.g., inhale 4, exhale 6–8). 2. Humming, Singing, or Chanting Why it works: The vagus nerve connects to your vocal cords and throat. Hum your favourite tune (or "om" like in yoga) Sing out loud in the car or shower Chanting or even reading aloud counts too 3. Gargling Why it works: It stimulates muscles in the back of your throat that the vagus nerve controls. Gargle with water a few times a day — go deep and loud if you can! 4. Social Connection Why it works: Safe, warm interactions help activate the vagus nerve and calm the nervous system. Do some exercise with a friend Chat to someone on the phone Cuddle or hug someone you trust Join a Counselling4Loss support group
Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. In the aftermath, words often feel powerless, and comfort can seem out of reach. For many parents, navigating life after such a loss is deeply challenging—especially when it involves not only managing their own grief but also making space for their partner’s emotions. Research indicates that there’s often a wide range of ways parents communicate (or don’t) about their child and the grief they carry (Rosenblatt 2000, cited in Hooge et al., 2018). In a study by Hooge, Rosenblatt, and Rober (2018), parents who had lost a child to cancer spoke about how essential it was to keep their child’s memory alive while also grappling with the complicated emotions that come with sharing grief. Sometimes, the weight of sorrow is simply too heavy to put into words. The study highlighted four common meanings behind a parent's choice not to talk about their grief: Talking feels pointless – Words can feel inadequate when nothing can change the painful reality, and speaking may not ease the hurt. Silence can offer a kind of protection – Avoiding conversation can help create a little distance from the pain. It’s a way to function day-to-day, to regulate overwhelming emotions, and to avoid placing additional emotional strain on each other. Grief is deeply personal – Sometimes, grieving is something a parent feels they need to do privately. They may need solitude to connect with their child’s memory in their own way, on their own time. Timing matters – Though both parents share the same heartbreaking loss, they may experience and express it in different ways and at different times. In some cases, not talking can be an act of love and respect—an effort not to cause more hurt by bringing up painful memories at the wrong moment. When parents are out of sync in how they grieve or communicate, it can be easy to misinterpret silence or emotional distance. But confronting this head-on isn't always helpful. Counselling can offer a gentle and supportive space for couples to explore what speaking or not speaking means to each of them. It can also help partners better understand each other’s unique grieving styles. Grief doesn’t follow a script, and every parent’s journey is different. But in learning to respect and gently navigate these differences, couples can find new ways to support each other—just as they continue to carry the memory of their child forward, together. Reference Hooge, A., Rosenblatt, P.C. & Rober, P. (2018). “We hardly ever talk about it”: Emotional responsive attunement in couples after a child’s death. Family Process, 57(1), 226-240.
Caring for someone who is ageing or nearing the end of life can be one of the most profound and challenging experiences a person goes through. While it’s an act of deep love and dedication, it can also take a heavy emotional toll on family caregivers. Research shows that when someone experiences intense grief before a loss, they may also feel it more strongly afterward (Breen et al., 2020). That’s why it’s so important to acknowledge these feelings early and seek support. Many caregivers focus entirely on the needs of their loved one and put their own wellbeing on hold. It’s completely understandable—but it can mean missing the chance to process emotions and prepare for what’s ahead. When grief is pushed aside, it can show up later as anxiety, depression, or prolonged grief (Meischner et al., 2016). Getting professional support before a loss doesn’t mean you’re not coping —it’s a way to care for yourself and make space for healing, now and later. Caring for a loved one through their final chapter can leave family members feeling especially vulnerable after the loss. One study (Breen et al., 2020) found that caregiving impacts more than just emotions—it can affect physical health and overall quality of life, and it can take close to a year to truly begin adjusting after a loss. This is why ongoing support for caregivers—before, during, and after loss—is so important. Group bereavement support can offer a sense of community, social connection (Maass et al., 2019) and shared understanding. It helps to know you are not the only one walking this path. Sometimes grief begins long before someone is gone. If your loved one is living with dementia, a terminal illness, or the changes that come with ageing, you may already be grieving the relationship as it once was. This kind of sorrow is called anticipatory grief—and when others don’t recognise or acknowledge it, it can feel isolating. This is known as disenfranchised grief, and it’s very real. Joining a support group with others who understand what you are going through can be a powerful step. It helps normalize your experience, brings a sense of validation, and reminds you that your grief matters. If you are looking for that kind of space, we invite you to connect with Counselling4Loss . You’ll find community, acknowledgment, and compassionate support—both now and in the time ahead.
