When we get news of the death of a loved one, our emotional and physical state can go from one of calm to sudden extreme stress, including a range of emotions such as shock, fear, sadness and anger. This response is caused by the different parts of our autonomic nervous system (ANS). The sympathetic, parasympathetic, and vagal nerve are key parts of the ANS, which controls involuntary functions in your body. Here's a breakdown of how they work together: 1. Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) – "Fight or Flight” The SNS is like your body's "gas pedal." It gets activated when you're stressed, fearful, or in danger. It prepares your body to respond to a challenge by increasing heart rate, dilating pupils, slowing down digestion, and redirecting blood flow to muscles for quick action. Essentially, it's the system that gets you ready to run away from danger or deal with a stressful situation. 2. Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) – "Rest and Digest" The PNS is like your body's "brake." It works to calm things down after the SNS has done its job. It slows the heart rate, promotes digestion, and helps with rest, recovery, and overall energy conservation. It's the system that helps you relax and recover, bringing you back to a balanced, calm state after a stressful event. 3. Vagus Nerve – "The Bridge Between Both" The vagus nerve is a crucial part of the parasympathetic system and acts like a communicator between your brain and organs. It is the longest nerve in the body and travels from the brainstem down to the abdomen. It helps control heart rate, regulates digestion, and reduces inflammation. It’s particularly important for calming your body down after stress, essentially counteracting the effects of the sympathetic system. The vagus nerve has two states: The ventral (front) vagus state is the calm connected state that supports social engagement and feelings of safety. The dorsal (back) vagal state responds to life threatening situations or danger and can result in a state of freeze or shutdown. How They Work Together: When you're stressed due to a loss (SNS activation), your heart rate increases, muscles tense up, and digestion slows. But once the stress eases, the parasympathetic system (especially the vagus nerve) activates to calm everything down. The vagus nerve helps reset your body’s balance, ensuring you don’t stay in "fight or flight" mode for too long. Activities to restore a sense of calm When grief is impacting your ability to perform day to day tasks, attempt to identify what state you are in and try some of these activities to stimulate the vagus nerve to help restore a sense of calmness and safety. 1. Deep, Slow Breathing Why it works: Long, slow exhales signal safety to your brain and activate the vagus nerve. Inhale for 4 seconds Hold for 4 Exhale for 4 Hold for 4 Repeat for a few minutes. Or just keep your exhale longer than your inhale (e.g., inhale 4, exhale 6–8). 2. Humming, Singing, or Chanting Why it works: The vagus nerve connects to your vocal cords and throat. Hum your favourite tune (or "om" like in yoga) Sing out loud in the car or shower Chanting or even reading aloud counts too 3. Gargling Why it works: It stimulates muscles in the back of your throat that the vagus nerve controls. Gargle with water a few times a day — go deep and loud if you can! 4. Social Connection Why it works: Safe, warm interactions help activate the vagus nerve and calm the nervous system. Do some exercise with a friend Chat to someone on the phone Cuddle or hug someone you trust Join a Counselling4Loss support group
Losing a beloved pet can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences a person can go through. Whether the loss is sudden—perhaps from an accident—or comes after a long illness or the slow effects of ageing, it can bring with it a deep emotional pain. When a pet's health declines over time, there are often incredibly tough decisions to make. Questions about treatments, quality of life, and knowing when it’s time to say goodbye can weigh heavily on your heart. The bond we share with our pets is powerful. They’re our companions, our comfort, and often feel like part of the family. Research has long shown the mental and emotional benefits of having a pet—but sadly, grief after pet loss isn’t always acknowledged in the same way as other kinds of grief. Many people feel hesitant or even embarrassed to talk about how deeply they’re hurting, especially if others don't understand. In many workplaces, for example, there is often little or no recognition of pet loss. People are often expected to just carry on, using personal leave or returning to work as if nothing has happened. This lack of support can leave grieving pet owners feeling isolated and dismissed. When grief isn’t recognised or validated by others, it’s known as disenfranchised grief (Cordaro, 2012). Unfortunately, this can be common after losing a pet. There’s often subtle pressure to “get over it” quickly or to adopt a new pet right away—as if the deep connection and love you shared can simply be replaced. Anyone who has loved and lost a pet knows that grief doesn’t work like that. The intensity of grief depends on your relationship with your pet and the circumstances around their passing. Some people feel immense sorrow and even guilt, especially if they had to make the painful decision to euthanise. Others may experience overwhelming loss and sadness when their pet was like a child or sibling within the family. The feelings associated with the loss of a pet are real—and they matter. If you’re grieving the loss of a pet, know that you are not alone. Joining a support group with others who understand this unique kind of loss can be a powerful step toward healing. Talking with others who have walked a similar path can help validate your experience and remind you that your grief is valid, no matter what others may say. Counselling4Loss offers group support specifically for those grieving a beloved pet. If you’d like a safe and compassionate space to mourn and remember, we encourage you to reach out.
Caring for someone who is ageing or nearing the end of life can be one of the most profound and challenging experiences a person goes through. While it’s an act of deep love and dedication, it can also take a heavy emotional toll on family caregivers. Research shows that when someone experiences intense grief before a loss, they may also feel it more strongly afterward (Breen et al., 2020). That’s why it’s so important to acknowledge these feelings early and seek support. Many caregivers focus entirely on the needs of their loved one and put their own wellbeing on hold. It’s completely understandable—but it can mean missing the chance to process emotions and prepare for what’s ahead. When grief is pushed aside, it can show up later as anxiety, depression, or prolonged grief (Meischner et al., 2016). Getting professional support before a loss doesn’t mean you’re not coping —it’s a way to care for yourself and make space for healing, now and later. Caring for a loved one through their final chapter can leave family members feeling especially vulnerable after the loss. One study (Breen et al., 2020) found that caregiving impacts more than just emotions—it can affect physical health and overall quality of life, and it can take close to a year to truly begin adjusting after a loss. This is why ongoing support for caregivers—before, during, and after loss—is so important. Group bereavement support can offer a sense of community, social connection (Maass et al., 2019) and shared understanding. It helps to know you are not the only one walking this path. Sometimes grief begins long before someone is gone. If your loved one is living with dementia, a terminal illness, or the changes that come with ageing, you may already be grieving the relationship as it once was. This kind of sorrow is called anticipatory grief—and when others don’t recognise or acknowledge it, it can feel isolating. This is known as disenfranchised grief, and it’s very real. Joining a support group with others who understand what you are going through can be a powerful step. It helps normalize your experience, brings a sense of validation, and reminds you that your grief matters. If you are looking for that kind of space, we invite you to connect with Counselling4Loss . You’ll find community, acknowledgment, and compassionate support—both now and in the time ahead.
